this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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