Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
