Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
