i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Can I color on your dick again?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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