god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
In America we eat man semen.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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