I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
