Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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