Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
