He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
