Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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