covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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