I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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