i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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