I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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