I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
