i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
