so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
