i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
