he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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