I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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