I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
