paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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