All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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