My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
