This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
