Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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