if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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