Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
