I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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