Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
