I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
