She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
