You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
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Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
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I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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