if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
