I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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