I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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