I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
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I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
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painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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