I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
