youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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