I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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