my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
