Me. At least after what I've been through.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
