I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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