Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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