This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
