I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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