youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
