found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
