You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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