my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
