is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
