I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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