Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
