That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
