JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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