so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
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My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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